Superman Says The Darndest Things – Part 10

Faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than a locomotive. Possessed of the verbal eloquence of a lust-addled teenage boy.

I’m surprised you didn’t work a wolf whistle in there, pal. 😛

Today’s facepalm-worthy dialogue has been brought to you by Action Comics #5 (October 1938) by Russell Cole, Will Ely, Ken Fitch, Homer Fleming, Gardner F. Fox, Richard Martin, Sheldon Moldoff, Jerry Siegel, Bernard Baily, Sven Elven, Fred Guardineer, Paul Gustavson, Leo E. O’Mealia, George Papp, Fred Schwab, and Joe Shuster.

Superman Says The Darndest Things – Part 9

Just because you have super-patience, doesn’t mean that it’s infinite.

I think we’ve finally found someone more obnoxious than Lena Dunham and Ann Coulter combined.

This case of raw Kryptonian nerves has been brought to you by Action Comics #809 (January 2004) by Joe Kelly, Pascal Ferry, and Cam Smith.

Superman Says The Darndest Things – Part 8

Superman isn’t defined by the big things he does when everyone’s watching. It’s the little things that most people will never hear about that really matter.

Aww. 🙂

This heartwarming moment courtesy of All-Star Superman #10 (May 2008) by Grant Morrison, Frank Quitely, and Jamie Grant.

Superman Says The Darndest Things – Part 7

You know, I’d provide some context for this panel, but why ruin the Silver Age goofiness?

I wonder if Superman would come out looking like Will Smith if he used Dahr-Nel’s machine?

Today’s bizarre example of Kryptonian medicine courtesy of Superman’s Girlfriend Lois Lane #106 (November 1970) by Robert Kanigher, Werner Roth, and Vince Colletta.

Superman Says The Darndest Things – Part 6

Little known fact: one of Superman‘s lesser known powers is super-creepiness.

Trust me, you DON’T want to know where Superman’s other hand is in that second panel.

This semi-incestuous Kryptonian moment has been brought to you by Action Comics #289 (June 1962) by Leo Dorfman, Jerry Siegel, George Klein, Jim Mooney, Curt Swan, and Al Plastino.

Superman Says The Darndest Things – Part 5

Remember how I theorized that White Kryptonite might’ve affected Superman‘s brain last time around? Well, if it did, I don’t think it ever wore off.

Or maybe it’ll trigger the Kryptonian photic sneeze reflex and result in your BLOWING OUT THE SUN.

This leap of logic has been brought to you by DC Comics Presents #58 (June 1983) by Mike W. Barr, Curt Swan, and Dave Hunt.

Superman Says The Darndest Things – Part 4

If you listen closely, you’ll be able to make out the sound of thousands of high school biology teachers weeping in unison.

No, I think the White Kryptonite just made him super-dumb, actually.

This massive taxonomical fail has been brought to you by Action Comics #366 (August 1968) by Leo Dorfman, Ross Andru, Neal Adams, and Mike Esposito.

Superman Says The Darndest Things – Part 3

So Superman’s seen This Is Spinal Tap? Who knew?

I'm more surprised that he caught the MAGIC hammer WITHOUT SHATTERING EVERY BONE IN HIS GODDAMN HAND.

This gratuitous 80s movie reference has been brought to you by Avengers/JLA #2 of 4 (2003) by Kurt Busiek and George Pérez.

Superman Says The Darndest Things – Part 2

Considering that he just got shot near the heart with a Kryptonite bullet, I’m willing to cut Superman some slack for this one…though I don’t think Batman is going to be as generous.

The kind that DC Comics can't afford to pemanently kill off, I reckon.

Today’s delusional statement courtesy of Superman/Batman #2 (November 2003) by Jeph Loeb, Ed McGuinness, and Dexter Vines.

Superman Says The Darndest Things – Part 1

When coming up with a name for your newly-formed team of superheroes, try going for something memorable.…and devoid of unfortunate implications.

Now you, too, can say that "My team is ASS!" with pride.

This absence of forethought comes to you courtesy of All-Star Squadron #3 (November 1981) by Roy Thomas, Rich Buckler, and Jerry Ordway.