Archive for October, 2010

Some Material May Not Be Suitable For Children


When I was between four and six years old, I remember watching the 1967 science-fiction horror movie Quatermass and the Pit with my parents and being left literally knee-knockingly scared by the time it was over. It seems that I’ve found a kindred spirit in Elissa Megan Powers, the eponymous heroine of Empowered, though, in her case, the film that psychologically scarred her as a child was the 1989 voodoo horror flick The Serpent and the Rainbow.

Pleasant screams, Emp.

This nightmarish flashback to your childhood has been brought to you by Empowered – Volume 6 (September 2010) by Adam Warren, Emily Warren, Jo Chen, and Mark Miyake. Happy Halloween, everyone!

Improvisational Exit Strategy


It seems that neither New Jersey white girl ninjas nor eldritch starspawn imprisoned within alien bondage gear are particularly adept at coming up with convincing ways of extracting themselves from awkward situations.

Like we all haven't heard THAT one before.

Today’s example of excuse-making failure comes to you courtesy of Empowered – Volume 1 (March 2007) by Adam Warren.

Fruit of the Doom


So how does the nigh-unstoppable underage killing machine known as Hit-Girl survive being shot multiple times at point blank range? And what’s the underwear of choice for preteen costumed vigilantes? The answers may surprise you.

Three bets she wears red ones to mask the color of blood.

Today’s superhero fashion advice has been brought by Kick-Ass #7 (October 2009) by Mark Millar, John Romita Jr., and Tom Palmer.

Robosexuality – Part 7


You know, the fact that Tylerco’s software development team designed an artificial intelligence that looks like jailbait and whose degree of anatomical correctness is inversely proportional to her sense of modesty probably says a lot about them.

Well, that's one way to break the ice at a JSA All-Stars meeting.

This example of softcore software has been brought to you by JSA All-Stars #8 (September 2010) by Matthew Sturges and Freddie Williams II.

Don’t Drink and Fly


If you ever thought that driving under the influence was hazardous to the general public, just imagine the kind of havoc drunken superheroics could wreak. Then be glad that you’re not getting a firsthand demonstration like the one poor Titan is about to receive from Apollo:

Ask a silly question, get a fatal answer.

Today’s public safety message has been brought to you by The Authority #14 (June 2000) by Mark Millar, Frank Quitely, and Trevor Scott.

Ad Misericordiam


Tip for aspiring supervillains: if you try and play the sympathy card, it helps if your opponent actually has heartstrings to tug on. The Midnighter, for example, probably won’t be buying what you’re selling.

Your appeal to sympathy has been denied. Thanks for playing, though.

This harsh lesson has been brought to you by The Authority #16 (August 2000) by Mark Millar, Frank Quitely, and Trevor Scott.

Humanity Is Overrated


Most artificial intelligences in science fiction suffer from the so-called “Pinocchio Syndrome“: a desire to become mortal (or at least to come as close to the human experience as possible). Given that they’re normally also lacking in the sense of humor department, it should come as no surprise that Tylerco’s mischievous next generation A.I. Roxy should have a refreshingly unique perspective on the matter:

I'm not sure about you, but I think our species has just been insulted.

Today’s example of anti-human prejudice has been brought to you by JSA All-Stars #2 (March 2010) by Matthew Sturges and Freddie Williams II.

Comic Book Sexual Innuendo – Part 15


While paying her respects to Blue Beetle one year after his death in the company of Black Canary, her adoptive daughter Sin, and the Huntress, Oracle makes a rather startling confession to her teammates about her private relationship with the late Ted Kord. Unfortunately, in doing so, she raises a rather interesting question: has “the world’s premier infojock and data specialist supreme” ever used all that computer technology at her disposal for…shall we say…less than noble purposes?

No wonder Black Canary adopted a girl name "Sin".

I choose to respond to Black Canary’s disgusting comment thusly:

Is that an invitation to see my dongle?

This textbook definition of “too much information” comes to your courtesy of Birds of Prey #96 (September 2006) by Gail Simone, Paulo Sequeira, Jerry Ordway, and Robin Riggs.

The Rudeness of Pointing


The next time you feel the urge to point at someone, remember the confrontation between Mekt Ranzz and Tenzil Kim that you’re about to witness. The digit you save may be your own.

Well, there're nine more where that came from...

Today’s lesson in etiquette has been brought to you by Supergirl and the Legion of Super-Heroes #33 (October 2007) by Tony Bedard and Dennis Calero.

Comic Book Sexual Innuendo – Part 14


There’s something oddly arousing about the fact that the Huntress and Judomaster aren’t above mischievously throwing around creative euphemisms for male genitalia in the heat of battle.

Normally, I'd add my own suggestive comment right about now, but I think they've covered all of the good ones already.

Today’s lesson in juvenile humor has been brought to you by Birds of Prey #101 (February 2007) by Gail Simone, Nicola Scott, and Doug Hazlewood.

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